


Weird Bollocks at Styles Right

by swagatha_christie



Category: Poirot - Agatha Christie
Genre: Gen, Murder Mystery, Stamps, Swearing, implied tennis, incomprehensible language, practically illegible
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 21:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6537367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swagatha_christie/pseuds/swagatha_christie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A whimsical re-telling of the first Poirot mystery, updated to be more accessible to modern youth.</p><p>In this first chapter, Arthur Hastings goes to visit the horrible Cavendish family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I go to Styles Bruv

Ayy blud the news and shit aint bovvered about “The Styles Case” anymore yeah but me brev Big P + the fam they wanted me to rite it up like so them wankers can it with their bollocks innit.

So these the deets like why I wos there an all.

I was in the war like but havin a bit of a skive an only had the DLA so was lookin for a mate to hole up with yeah and I bumped into my lad Johnny Cavendish. We wasn’t like bruvs or anythin plus he was like 45 or some shit but I been to his mums place Styles over in Essex and that were right swank.

We had a bit of a bant yeah then he was like I should crash at his for a bit wotta lad.  
“Me mum’ll be right chuffed” he was like  
“she nang?” I was like  
“yeah she gotta new man you know”

I was a bit like whaat bruv cos Mrs Cav shacked up with Johns dad after his old bird died an she’d been pretty fit an that but she was probs like 70+ now haha. She was a bit of a toff and always having a do and that. Plus she was well minted.

They was over in Styles Court wot the old man Cav bought and the missus got it when he copped it which his kids were right cheesed off about. It were ok tho cos she was like practically their mum like.

Lozza was the little bruv and he was a bit nesh right? Had been a doctor but couldn’t hack it haha so he was a writer or some shit now but I read his poems right and they was well shit.

Johnny boy did lawyering for a bit but then quit to do fuck-all basically. Caught a fish like 2 years back and they was living at Styles and I fink he was like hint hint mum I need a bit more £££ but she wasn’t havin none of that you daft sausage. 

Anyway I was like whhaaat bruv yer mums still up for it tho? and he was like yeah  
“lad’s a right tosser mate” he was like “its all a bit shit Hastings bruv. You know Evie?”  
“nah mate”  
“ah mate shes a total ledge mate. Bit of a skank right but total banters.”  
“innit”  
“yeah so this guy turns up right says he knows Evie but shes like on your bike mate. Got a massive fuckin beard and shit. But mum was like aight mate have a gander you know”  
I was like yeah  
“so he was doin the books or some shit what with the war and all but then like 3 months ago mum said theyre getting married! We were well gutted. Look mate Alf’s like 20 years younger than her innit, just after her cash right but she does what she wants tho”  
“what a cock-up mate”  
“yeah fuckin right mate”

Rocked up at the station at Styles St. Mary 3 days later, station was well shit surrounded by nature and that. John was there with his van though watta ledge.  
“ay blud me mum bought the petrol tho” he said

The village was sorta near the station and Styles Court was kinda near that right. It was July and all green an shit. I was like ay mate check it. Johnny was like:  
“Listen Hastings mate theres sod all here bruv soz”  
“Nah blud that’s wicked”  
“I mean theres farms and shit tho. my old ladys well into that. Itd be alright but that right prick Alfie Inglethorp’s taking the piss you know mate?” he looked at his watch “ah shit I shoulda picked up Cynthia at the hospital mate”  
“That’s your bird mate?”  
“Nah mate Cynf is my mum’s mate’s kid right but her folks died so mum was like she can stay here innit. Been like 2 years. She works in the hospital in Tadminster mate”

We pulled up to the house right and this old cow came over from the front garden.  
“Aayyy Evie this is me mate, Hastings this is the Eve-ster.”

Evie Howard was this sorta manly bird about 40, all deep voice and heavy boots and shit. Didn’t mince words that one.  
“Fuckin weeds right?”  
“yeah you need a hand mate?” I was like  
“nah you don’t mean that bruv”  
“Haha Evie what are you like” Johnny was havin a giggle “wheres grub”  
“outside mate”  
“aight mate lets smash it”  
“yeah mate” E said

We went round the back of th house to have a cuppa. This chick came over  
“this is my bird Hastings” John was like

Aright so this girl Mary Cavendish right, she was like well chung. Like well fit nahmean? Her eyes was all wild and shit.

She was like wotcha mate and I was like well chuffed. We had a bit of banter innit which was right sick because Im like the archbishop of Banterbury so we was having a right laugh.

Then we heard this voice what was right posh from the window:  
“Alfie luv you’ll write to the princess after tea yeah? I’ll give Lady Tadminster a bell too. Bet you we can get at least one o those slags to open the fête”  
Then some bloke said some shit. Then Mrs Inglethorpe was like:  
“yeah after tea babes ta Alfie.” 

This weird old bat came out with some ponce behind her.

Mrs Ing was proper chuffed to see me.  
“what up Hastings you cheeky gobshite. Alfie luv this wanker’s Mr Hastings.”

So I had a peek at “Alfie luv” and he looked like a right smarmy twat innit. His beard was long and black and shit, and he had these gold pince-nez innit. Right dodgy geezer. He bumped me fist and was like:  
“yeah Hastings mate.” Then turned to the missus and said “Emmy luv that cushion is right minging”

She looked at him all lovey-dovey while he got another bloody cushion. I was like what the fuck mate.

Right so things were well awkward wiv Mr Ing cos they all thought he was a right tosser. Ol Evie was givin him a right boggy look. Mrs Ing was like not even bovvered tho, going on about some piss-up she was planning and nattering to her husband and shit. Literally tho mate I had him clocked as a right wonky knob-head.

Mrs Ing said some shit to Evie right and her bloke was like:  
“so what you’re like a soldier Hastings bruv?”  
“nah mate before the war I worked at Lidl mate”  
“wicked mate you going back there?”  
“eh”

Mary Cav were like:  
“whats your dream job babes”  
“dunno mate”  
“nah cmon mate” she was like  
“nah mate you’ll take the piss innit”  
“yeah probs” she smiled  
“aight mate well I’d like to be a detective like”  
“what like a fuckin copper? Or like Sherlock Holmes or some shit”  
“Sherlock olmes haha. But seriously right itd be right nang bruv, I met this right proper detective bloke in Belgium mate, he was a total lad. Knew his onions and shit”

Evie was like “detective stories are well shit innit, everyone arse over tit. If there was real aggro mate you’d know who did it innit.”  
“Nah mate” I was like  
“Yeah bruv serious” she was like  
I was like total jokes “wot so you could spot a murderer innit”  
“er yeah bruv I’d catch the knob right”  
“mite be a bird innit” I suggested  
“well yeah bruv but murder’s a lads thing innit.”  
“Wot about fuckin poisoning and that mate” Mrs Cav said “Dr B was like there are probs loadsa poisonings and nobody knows shit mate”  
“fucks sake Mary shut up” cried Mrs I. “that bollocks aint my cup of tea mate. Oh look its our Cynf.”

This young bird came over.  
“Cynf you’re well late. Hastings mate – Miss Murdoch.”  
Cynthia Murdoch was pretty chung, with auburn hair and shit. Lick of paint and she’d be well fit. She plonked her arse down by J-boy and I tossed her a bag of crisps.  
“come an sit here mate” she was like so I was like ok  
“you work at the hospital mate”  
“yeah mate”  
“bet they’re all wankers”  
“yeah whatevs” she was like  
“my cuz works in a hospital and she says the nurses are well nasty cows haha”  
“Haha tru Hastings mate but I aint a nurse, I work in the dispensary like.”  
“do you poison people haha like” I was like  
“yeah haha”  
“Oi our Cynf I need you to write some shit for me” Mrs Ing was like  
“Yeah no probs Aunty Em”

She got up and I was like theyre bruvs but theyre not brevs know what I mean

Mrs I said to me “our John will show you round mate, we have dinner at 7.30, prob be fish fingers or some shit I dunno with this rationing and all innit”  
I was like yeah whatevs and J-dog showed me the house and I had me own room what was like well tight.

He buggered off but I had a butchers out the window and saw him faffing around with Cynf until the old bat called her back to the house. Also there was some dodgy bloke of about 40 doing sod all under a tree looking well pissed for some reason. Pegged him as Johnnys bruv Lawz Cavendish but I was like why is he looking so fuckin narked mate. Whatever tho

The rest of the day bugger all happened and I had a right proper think about Mary Cavendish that night ifyouknowwhatImean

Next day was well sunny and shit. Had a walk with Mrs Cav in the pm lookin at nature and all that.

Right so when we got back J-boy was looking proper brassed off about something  
“Mary luv shits proper lost the plot right, Evie an Alf’ve had a row and she’s gone and legged it.”  
“wot?”  
John was like yeah “Yeah she went to see mum right – oh heres the daft bint now”

Miss Howard came in looking right cheesed with her bag and shit.  
“I said what I said bruv” she said  
“Cor blimey Evie whats all this palaver” Mrs Cav was like  
E was like yeah “Yeah I told our Em shes a right dozy cow innit. Alf’s like 20 years younger that you an he’s only after your money and shit. Plus he’s having it on with that slapper farmer Raikes’ bird. She were dead pissed about that innit but I was like yeah that plonker would happily shiv you he’s a proper twat mate.”  
“whatshe say mate”

Evie was all eeaarggh mate “she was all ‘my Alf’ and ‘Alfie luv’ and ‘youre a fuckin liar you mangy skank’ so Im like sodding off mate”  
“Now mate?”  
“yeah now mate”

So we was fuckin gobsmacked and shit but whatever like so the Cavs left. Big E came over and was all like:  
“Oi Hastings bruv you’re a bruv innit”

I was kinda like you wot mate but she whispered “keep an eye on Emily yeah Hastings mate, theyre all right tosspots the lot of them. All up wanting her bling and shit and I’ve tried to be her bruv but now Im gone they’ll be proper wankers you get me”  
“Yeah no prob mate” I was like “I think you’re a bit off your rocker tho mate”

She was like nah mate: “Nah mate.”  
Johnny brought the car round and she buggered off finally, saying “oi Hastings keep a proper eye on that prick her husband innit.” Everyone was like tara mate except them Inglethorps what couldn’t be fagged to show.

Once they’d gone this other prat moseyed up and Mrs Cav was all hullo mate. I thought he looked a right bastard like so was like “whos that geezer”  
John was like “Its doctor Bauerstein innit mate”  
“whos doctor Bauerstein mate”  
“He’s like a doctor innit mate. Studies poisons and shit”  
“He and Mary are mates innit” Cynthia was like. 

John looked pissed again and was like “yeah so anyway yeah this is all a right shambles yeah, Evie’s a proper ledge mate.”

We walked around the village for a bit and saw this girl what was well fit like. I said “She’s well fit like”  
J-boy was all “yeah that’s Mrs Raikes bruv”  
“You mean that tart what Miss Howard was-“  
“Yeah mate” 

Right so I was getting the feeling that shit was all a bit skew-whiff and shit right but I tried to chill.  
“Styles is well nang bruv” I said to JC.  
He was like yeah “yeah should be mine once the old lady’s kicked it an then maybe I wont be so fuckin skint mate”  
“Are you fuckin skint mate”  
“Yeah Hastings mate I’m fuckin proper skint mate”  
“Cant your brev lend you a few quid tho”  
“You mean Lazza? Nah mate hes gone flat broke tryna publish his shite poems mate. Mum usually weren’t too bovved about giving us a tenner or whatevs but since she got married-“ then he shut up looking right narked again.

Right mush so at this point I was feeling proper dodgy about the whole shenans yeah, right with Evelyn Howard gone everything felt like it was about to go to shit plus that dickhead Dr Bauerstein was a proper wonky punter innit. I was like finking that shit was right proper schlunked up you know innit.


	2. 16th & 17th of July tho

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Arthur Hastings remembers to purchase stamps; banter ensues.

so it were like 5th of July what when I came to Styles yeah but now Imma tell you bout the 16th and 17th right. It was like boring af actually so I’ll make it quick mate

Evie hit me up couple days after she fucked off saying she was working at the hospital in Middlingham yeah (I was like??) saying has Mrs Ing been slagging her off an all (yeah)

I was having a wicked time mostly but that dodgy twat Dr Bauerstein was proper taking the piss with Mrs Cav, I thought he were a right pillock but she was always going off with him or some shit.

The 17th was a Monday lol, that weekend we’d had a right laugh at the charity bazaar, today there was gonna be another bash where Mrs Ing was gonna play her mixtape so that afternoon we was going basically fuck all in the garden. Johnny boy was being proper jokes which I thought was weird cos hes usually a right mopey bastard.

After tea Mrs I went for a kip and I played some tennis with Mary Cav ifyouknowwotimean. At 7ish Mrs I said we was gonna have some nosh early so we did yeah

Party was the dogs bollocks, Mrs Ing got proper plastered. Cynf did some freestyle shit and then went off with her mates for the afters.

Next day Mrs I was right knackered all morning and got up like 12.30, then me and her and Lozza went to meet some of her mates for a kebab  
“Innit nice for Mrs Rolleston to invite us, she’s Lady Tad’s sister yeah? Them Rollestons are right posh wankers yknow.”  
Mary was out getting off with Dr B so she weren’t there like.

It was a right decent kebab though. Loz said we should ave a cheeky drive to Tadminster to check out Cynf in the hospital, Mrs I were up for dropping us off cos she had other shit needed doing.

The porter bloke at the hospital were being a right prick cos we was loitering all shifty-like but then Cynf came over looking proper chung and said we was legit. We all headed up to her pharmacy thing and her mate Nibz were there too.

“Fuckin bare bottles bruv!” I was like “Whats in ‘em?”  
“Fucks sake” Cynf was like “Literally everyone as gets here says ‘you got bare bottles!’ Like Im gonna deck the next plonker as comes in here saying ‘you got bare bottles!’ Next fing wot you’re gonna say is ‘how many knob-heads you poisoned?’”  
I were like yeah lol  
“Yeah well mate you wouldn’t be havin a laugh if you knew how easy it is to fuckin poison someone mate. Anyways fuck this lets have a cuppa. No Lozza you fanny that’s the poison cupboard, use the fuckin PG tips.”

We had some tea and it was a right laugh then we did like the washing up and shit. Then some bird knocked on the door, Cynf and Nibz were like proper narked.  
“fuck you want bruv?” Cynf said

This like tiny nurse came in and tried to give Nibz a bottle but he were like “nah mate go to Cynf.” Cynf gave the bottle a right boggy look.  
“You avin a laugh mate this shoulda been sent up this morning.”  
“Yeah whatevs the matron is a right dozy cow.”  
“tell her to stick it then.” Looking at the nurse I twigged there was like 100% no way she was gonna go and say that.

Cynf was like “Gonna have to wait til tomorrow now mate.”  
“Aw cmon mate lets have it tonight yeah?”  
“Whatevs” said Cynf “we’re proper busy but maybe if I got time.”

Nursey left and Cynf, right, Cynf went and filled the fuckin bottle like straight away, the actual madman.   
I was proper laughing “that’ll show em yeah?”  
“Yeah haha. Anyway come and look at this balcony its well nang.”

Me and Cynf and Nibz went on the balcony and had some right banter, Lawz didn’t want to join but then Cynf told him to so he did. Then she checked her phone and was like  
“Nibz we done?”  
“Safe.”  
“Legend mate lets bounce.”

I aint hung out with Lozza too much before that, he were like a right antisocial wanker compared to John, plus he and Cynf was normally right awkward with each other. That afternoon though they was proper chilling and I thought maybe he’s not a total knob then.

On the way back I was like, shit bruv I need stamps! So we went to the post office and I literally bought stamps haha

On the way out with my stamps I proper knocked into this shortarse plonker and I were like sorry mate but then he was like well gobsmacked and gave us a proper Gosport Welcome.  
“Mon ami Hastings!” He cried. “It is indeed mon ami Hastings!”  
“Ayyy Pozza” I was like

I went back to the cab  
“Fuckin ledge Cynf, this is my mate Poirot yeah, he got swag coming out the Darjeeling”  
“yeah we know Mr P” Cynf were like “I didn’t know you and him were brevs though.”

“Yes indeed,” Pozza were like “I know Mademoiselle Cynthia. It is by the charity of that good Mrs Inglethorpe that I am here.” I was like ?? “Yes, my friend, she has kindly extended hospitality to seven of my countrypeople who, alas, are refugees from their native land. We Belgians will always remember her with gratitude.”

Big Pozza had some serious swag though. He was short af but was literally not bovvered. His head were like a fuckin egg, like actually an egg except it were his head not an egg but it were like an egg. His tache was well. chung. Proper fresh garmz too, he got well gutted if he got any dirt on them or whatever. He also limped or some shit but I was like proper respect bruv, he’d been a cop in Belgium (fuck the cops bruv) and had been a proper ledge, solving some right cocked-up cases and all.

He showed me his place where him and some other Belgs lived and I was like top, laters mate. Me and Cynf drove off.  
“Ah hes a proper ledge mate,” she was like “I didn’t know you knew him”  
“Hes got so much swag he’s the Banterchrist” I replied

On the way back I was sharing them the deets about ol Herky P. It was a proper laugh. When we got back though Mrs Ing was looking proper dunked.  
“Ey” she said  
“Summat up Aunty Em?” Cynf was like  
“Fuck off” Mrs I said sharply “Everythings tops mate.” Then she went after Dorcas, the maid, saying she wanted some fucking stamps and all. (I had my own stamps what I bought, banterrrr)

“safe” raucous Dorcas were like “But don’t you want to go to bed though, you look wasted”  
“Yeah Dorc maybe you’re right, I gotta do me letters though. Ave you lit the fire in me room like what I told you?”  
“safe.”  
“I’ll have a kip after supper then innit.”

She went back into the boudoir whatever that is and Cynf was a bit cheesed.  
“The fucks up with her though?” she said to Loz.  
He were totally not bovvered though and just like fucking left. 

I was like, ayyy Cynf, howsabout we play some TENNISSSS. And she was like yeah mate so I went to get my tennis racquet. I met Mrs Cav on the way back, she also looked a bit miffed.

“So you get off with Doc Bauerstein or what,” I said smooth as fuck.  
“Nah mate” she wasn’t having it. “where’s Mrs I?”  
“hittin up the boudoir right proper.”  
She psyched herself up like she were about to clock some gobby slag and then went into the boudoir, shutting the door well hard.

So I was like off to play me some serious Dennis the menace though, but I had a cheeky listen at the boudoir window to hear what them birds was yakking about. Mary was talking like she were on the edge of smashing the old bint right in the knackers.  
“The fuck won’t you show it me though?”  
Mrs Ing were like “Back off Mary you dopey skank, its none of yours.”  
“Then show it me though.”  
“Its none of your beeswax, fucks sake.”  
Mary was like “you’re tryna protect that fucking knob, obvs.”

Cynf was waiting at the tennis court proper chipper.  
“Ayyy mate things have gone tits up at the house, I just heard the goss from Dorcas.”  
“Wot?”  
“Aunty Em and that dodgy geezer had a row. Guess she knows hes a right shifty bugger after all!”  
“Was the Dorcster in there?”  
“No blud she was at the door is all. Sounds like they was having a proper go, wish I knew what they was on about.”

I thought maybe I had some idea about the whole malarkey what with Evie Howard’s warning and that Mrs Raikes bird, but I didn’t say nothing. Cynf was like, “Aunty Em’s gonna take him down now haha.”

I was looking for Johnny boy but he wasn’t around. Seemed like some proper drama and shit had happened while we was out. Couldn’t really give a shit myself but I was wondering about Mary Cav and why she was involved.

Saw Mr Ing when I went in for some grub, he didn’t seem bovvered or anything. I was like, shit bruv he really is one dodgy anorak.

Mrs Ing was down late, still looking pissed. So for dinner everyone was proper on edge, right. Mr Ing was still acting all gentlemanly and that to his wife but nobody was saying shit. Mrs Ing buggered off back to the boudoir after.  
“Mary I want me fuckin coffee” she called “Post’s in a bit.”

So me and Cynf went off to the drawing room yeah, Mary came in with some of this off brand Nescafe shit. 

Anyway Mary was like “you want the fucking light on in here you dipshits? Also Cynf you gotta take Mrs Ing her coffee.”  
“Nah Mary giz it here” Mr Ing said, and took the coffee out. 

Lozza went after him, Mrs Cav sat with us. It was well hot. She fanned herself with some palm leaf she got from fuck knows where.  
“Bit peasy in here, innit” she was like “probly gonna have a storm or some shit.”

Everything was goin proper chung but then I was massively cockblocked by this fucking voice in the hall, not even kidding, what a wanker.  
“Dr Bauerstein, what up” Cynf was like. I checked Mary out, feeling proper narked, but she didn’t seem bovvered though.

Few shakes later, Alfie Ing came in with that doctor prick, who was all covered in mud and looking manky as fuck.  
“the fuck you been up to, Dr B?” Mrs Cav was like.  
“Yeah mate I didn’t want to come in honest but Mr Ing was like you gotta” doc said. “totes sozza and all that haha”  
J-boy came in. “Ay Bauerstein you plonker, avva brew.”  
“cheers bruv.” He told some shit about how he were looking at plants or whatever and fell in a pond arse over tit, what a shambles.  
“I look proper minging haha” he said.

So anyway about now Mrs Ing called Cynf out to the hall.  
“Eyy get me fucking bag yeah? I’m off for some ZZZs”

Cynf and me and Johnny all gots up, all of us saw Mrs Ing with her coffee what she hadn’t even drunk yet and all, fuckin swear it.

So basically my evening was well fucked thanks to that knob head Dr B, who was just arsing around for ages. Twat eventually got up though, and I was like finally  
“I’ma come to the village with you mate” Mr Ing said “Gotta see a man about a dog.” Said to Johnny boy “Yous all can chill blud, I got the latch key innit.”

**Author's Note:**

> Every effort has been made to parallel the original text, aside from the various instances wherein clearly no effort was actually made. Cheers bruv


End file.
